Epi #180.The Secret to Calming Down the Worst Meltdowns

The Painful Question Every Parent Asks

Have you ever been in the middle of your child’s meltdown and thought,
“Why can’t I get through to them? What am I doing wrong?”

You try everything.
You repeat yourself.
You give warnings.
You even offer a hug.

But nothing works.
The meltdown grows.
And in the end, both of you are drained, disconnected, and sad.

If you’ve felt that way, you’re not alone.

As parents, we often think the problem is the behavior.
The yelling. The kicking. The refusing.

But here’s the truth:
Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.
It’s just the signal.

And once you learn to look beyond the behavior to see the need underneath, everything changes.

1. My Son’s Meltdown That Changed Everything

A few days ago, my son Santi had one of the hardest meltdowns we’ve had in a long time.

He’s autistic and has ADHD, and when he’s sick, his sensory needs skyrocket.

That night, he had COVID. He was congested, miserable, and anxious.

When bedtime came, he refused to get into bed.
Instead, he went to pet our cat.

I reminded him again.
He ignored me.
I reminded him again.

And then the meltdown began.
Crying. Yelling. Agitation.
The kind of meltdown that makes you feel helpless as a parent.

Here’s the part that made me stop and think:
Santi’s twin brother also had COVID that night.
But he was able to stay in bed calmly.

Why could one of my children stay calm while the other completely fell apart?

The answer: individual needs.

My neurotypical son could tolerate being sick.
But Santi, with his high sensory needs, couldn’t.

That night, I realized something important:
The problem wasn’t Santi’s behavior.
It was his unmet need.

2. Why Behavior Is Just the Surface

This is where so many parents get stuck.

We see the behavior.
We feel frustrated.
We try to control it.

But behavior is just the surface.
It’s the smoke, not the fire.

The real “fire” is always underneath:

• Anxiety
  
• Overstimulation
  
• Fear
  
• Fatigue
  
• Sensory needs
  
  

When we focus on the behavior alone, we miss the need.
And when we miss the need, the behavior doesn’t stop.

3. The Secret Sauce: Personalized Attunement

So how do you calm the chaos?

The answer is something researchers call personalized attunement.

That might sound like a fancy word,
but here’s what it means in simple terms:
Meeting your child where they are, in that exact moment, with what they need.

There are 3 steps to doing this.

Step 1: Prioritize Safety Over Compliance

Most of us are trained to think compliance comes first.
“Go to bed.”
“Do what I say.”
“Stop crying.”

But when a child is in meltdown, their brain is flooded.
They’re not choosing to disobey.
They’re in an emotional crisis.

What they need most is to feel safe.

That night with Santi, I had to pause and ask:
“What is making him feel unsafe about going to bed?”

When I asked him, he said,
“If I lay down, I can’t breathe.”

He wasn’t being defiant.
He was scared.

Step 2: Address the Cause, Not the Behavior

Once I understood the cause, I could help.
We propped pillows so he could sleep sitting up instead of lying down.

Did it work perfectly? No.
His triggers were strong, and he still struggled.

But the point is this:
I wasn’t fighting the behavior anymore.
I was supporting the need.

And that shifted everything.

Step 3: Offer Co-Regulation, Not Control

When kids are dysregulated, they cannot calm themselves.
They need to borrow our calm.

This is called co-regulation.

It’s not about forcing them to stop crying.
It’s about staying with them, showing them safety through our calm presence.

That night, I sat with Santi on the couch.
I didn’t mention bedtime again.
I tickled him gently because I know that helps him relax.
And eventually, after midnight, he fell asleep in my arms.

That was a success.
Not because he went to sleep “on time,”
but because through the entire meltdown… he felt safe.

4. What Success Really Looks Like

Most parents think success means:
✔️ The child calmed down fast
✔️ The child complied right away

But true success is this:
Your child felt safe with you, even when they couldn’t calm down yet.

When your child feels safe,
their nervous system eventually resets.
They reconnect.
And they learn to trust you with their hardest feelings.

That’s what builds a secure child.

5. What This Means for You

So let me ask you:
During your child’s meltdowns, do they feel safe with you at every stage?

Or do you find yourself stuck in the cycle of control—
explaining, threatening, or yelling—
only to end the night disconnected?

If it’s the second one, please don’t beat yourself up.

You’re not alone.
I’ve been there.
Every parent I coach has been there.

The good news is this:
It doesn’t have to stay that way.

6. The First Step to Change

The very first step is shifting your perspective.
Stop seeing the behavior as the problem.
Start seeing the need underneath.

That’s where the real change happens.

Because when you meet the need,
the behavior shifts on its own.

Your Next Step

If you’re ready to break free from angry reactions and become the calm, confident parent your kids need, I’d love to guide you.

I created a free class where I teach my Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

In this class, you’ll learn how to:
✅ Overcome angry reactions so you can respond calmly during your child’s chaos.
✅ Communicate in a way that gets your child to listen — even when you give a “no.”
✅ Raise emotionally healthy kids who grow up confident and self-accountable.

Imagine the relief of knowing you don’t have to yell, punish, or bribe…
and your kids still listen, cooperate, and feel safe with you.

👉 Click here to join the free class now

Final Thoughts

Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.
It’s just the messenger.

When you learn to look deeper,
see the needs underneath,
and meet those needs with calm connection—

That’s when the real transformation begins.

And that’s when you stop ending the night with guilt…
and start ending it with peace.