Epi #132. 4 Hidden Reasons Your Child Might Fear You & How to Turn It Around

Parent, are you worried that your child might be scared of you? 

You’re not alone. Many parents feel this way and want to build a safe, loving environment. 

You want your child to come to you with their problems, not run away in fear. But sometimes, even with the best intentions, our actions can leave our kids feeling scared and disconnected.

Today, we’re diving into four hidden reasons why this might happen and, more importantly, how you can turn things around to create a peaceful, secure bond with your child. 

If you’ve ever felt stuck in a cycle of frustration or want to ensure your child feels safe and understood, this guide is for you.

Section 1: The Pendulum Pattern – Inconsistent Reactions

Have you ever felt like you’re swinging between being calm and patient one moment and then snapping the next? 

This is what I call the “Pendulum Pattern”. 

When parents have inconsistent reactions, children feel like they’re walking on eggshells and are never sure which version of mom or dad they’ll get.

I grew up experiencing this pattern. 

One moment, my mom was nurturing, wiping away my tears, and holding me close. But if I showed my sadness in a more intense way, like through anger or a meltdown, I got the opposite—yelling, threats, and a sense of not being understood. 

This back-and-forth made me feel scared and unsure of when it was okay to be myself.

When kids see this inconsistency, it creates hypervigilance. They become anxious, always on alert, wondering if it’s safe to express their emotions. 

The Solution: Consistency

The key is to respond consistently, even when you’re frustrated or having a tough day. 

For example, instead of yelling when your child refuses to put on their shoes for the tenth time, take a deep breath and say, "I see you’re having a hard time. Let’s work on this together." 

One of my coaching clients, Paula, saw a massive change when she started being consistent with her responses. 

Over a few months, her child’s behavior improved dramatically. 

When your child feels safe with your reactions, they’ll start to feel safer with their own emotions, too.

Section 2: Unintended Postures – How Your Body Language Speaks Volumes

Children, especially sensitive and neurodivergent ones, are experts at reading body language. 

They don’t just listen to your words; they feel your posture, facial expressions, and tone. 

If your body is tense or you seem anxious, they’ll pick up on it and feel unsafe.

My own son often asks me, “Mom, are you angry?” when I’ve just taken a deep breath. 

Sensitive kids are always scanning their environment for safety. If they sense tension or stress in you, they’ll feel it too.

The Solution: Be Aware of Your Posture

Start paying attention to your body language. Are you clenching your fists? Are your shoulders tense? When you notice this, consciously relax. 

You can tell your child, "Mommy is just taking a deep breath to feel calm." This simple awareness can make a huge difference in how your child perceives you.

Imagine your child looking to you at the playground, wondering if it’s okay to join other kids. 

If your posture is calm and open, they’ll feel it’s safe to explore. 

But if you’re tense or worried, they’ll hesitate, feeling unsure.

Section 3: Critical Feedback – When Words Hurt More Than You Think

We all want to guide our children, but sometimes our words can be more critical than we realize. 

Maybe you grew up with harsh criticism, and now, without even meaning to, you find yourself saying things like, “Why can’t you just listen?” or “You’re being ridiculous.”

Even if you think you’re just being “honest,” these words can leave a mark. 

They can make your child feel like they’re not good enough or that they always have to be perfect.

The Solution: Gentle Words, Even When You’re Upset

Instead of jumping straight to criticism, try to see the situation from your child’s perspective. 

If they’re crying, instead of saying, “Stop crying already,” try, “I see you’re upset. I’m here with you.” 

This small shift shows your child that they can express themselves safely, even when their emotions are big.

But remember, it’s not just about the words we say to our children; it’s also about the words we say to ourselves. 

When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m such a bad parent,” pause and replace it with, “I’m doing my best, and I’m learning.”

Section 4: Emotional Withdrawal – The Silent Message That Hurts

When we feel overwhelmed, it’s easy to withdraw emotionally. Maybe your child is crying, and instead of staying present, you retreat into your thoughts, thinking, “Why do I even try?” 

This emotional withdrawal sends a clear message to your child: My parent is only here when I’m calm and happy. When I’m upset, I’m on my own.

This was something I struggled with as well. 

There were times I felt like I was failing, and instead of staying engaged, I’d pull away. 

But when we withdraw, our children feel abandoned, even if we’re right there in the room with them.

The Solution: Stay Present, Even When It’s Hard

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. But instead of shutting down, take a deep breath and stay with your child. You don’t need to fix their emotions; you just need to be there. 

When your child feels your presence, even in their most challenging moments, they learn they are loved and supported, no matter what.

You’re Not Alone – Take the Next Step

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve been stuck in these patterns, and I don’t know how to break free,” I want you to know that change is possible. 

It’s okay to need help, and it’s okay to seek guidance. 

I’ve created a free class to help you break free from angry reactions and find peace in your parenting journey. 

This class gives you the tools to create a calm and connected relationship with your child, even if they’re neurodivergent or highly sensitive. 

CLICK HERE to access this free class