Epi #135. 4 Lessons I Learned Raising My Autistic Son (And How They Can Help You Too)

Ever Feel Like You’re Failing as a Parent?

Have you ever been in the middle of your child’s meltdown and thought, “Why can’t I stay calm?”

You want to be patient.

You want to be that parent who listens, connects, and helps their child navigate through their emotions without yelling or frustration.

But when the chaos hits, it’s like everything you know disappears.

I know that feeling. I’ve been there. And it feels like you’re losing the battle.

For parents of neurodivergent children, like those raising autistic kids, these moments can feel even more overwhelming.

The guilt, the pressure, the comparison to other families—it can weigh on you.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to stay this way.

Today, I’m going to share with you four powerful lessons I’ve learned while raising my autistic son.

These lessons didn’t just change how I parent—they changed how I see myself and my child.

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like you’ll never break free from angry reactions, keep reading.

I believe these lessons will help you find the peace and connection you’ve been searching for.

Let’s dive in.

1. My Autistic Son Doesn’t Need to Be Fixed, He Needs to Be Understood

For the longest time, I thought my job as a parent was to “fix” my son’s behaviors.

When he would have a meltdown, I’d go into problem-solving mode, thinking I had to “correct” what was happening.

I’d try to get him to stop, calm down, and act like other kids.

But here’s what I learned: My son didn’t need to be fixed.

He needed to be understood.

Autistic children often experience the world differently than we do.

When my son was overwhelmed or upset, it wasn’t because he was being “bad.”

He was communicating something—his frustration, his sensory overload, or his need for space.

Once I shifted my mindset from “How do I fix this?” to “How do I understand what’s going on?”, everything changed.

Instead of reacting to his behavior, I began asking myself, “What is he trying to tell me?”

By focusing on understanding him, rather than controlling him, we built a stronger bond.

I could respond to his needs instead of trying to force him to conform to what I thought he “should” be doing.

Tip for You:

Next time your child is struggling, try asking yourself, “What are they trying to communicate?” Instead of focusing on the behavior itself, focus on the need behind it. That’s where true connection starts.

2. It’s OK to Slow Down and Go at Our Own Pace

As parents, it’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap.

You see other families, and their kids seem to be hitting milestones, following routines, and going through their day without major hiccups.

Meanwhile, your child is struggling with basic transitions, and everything feels hard.

I used to feel like we were constantly falling behind. I thought I needed to push my son harder so he could “catch up” to other kids.

But the truth is, our pace is the right pace.

Every child grows at their own speed, and that’s especially true for neurodivergent kids.

My son wasn’t going to follow the same path as other children, and that’s okay.

Once I accepted that, I let go of the pressure to keep up with others.

We started creating routines and goals that worked for us, not based on what other families were doing.

Tip for You:

If you’re feeling like you need to rush or push your child to meet certain expectations, give yourself permission to slow down.

Your family’s pace is unique, and there’s no race to the finish line. Let go of comparisons and embrace the journey you’re on.

3. His Delays Are Not My Fault

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was letting go of the guilt.

I used to carry so much weight on my shoulders, thinking that my son’s delays or challenges were somehow my fault.

I’d ask myself, “What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?”

But here’s what I’ve come to realize: his delays are not my fault.

Raising a neurodivergent child doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

It doesn’t mean you’re not doing enough.

Every child, autistic or not, has their own strengths and challenges.

I had to stop blaming myself for things outside of my control.

The truth is, I am the parent my child needs. And so are you.

Tip for You:

If you find yourself feeling guilty or like you’re failing, remember this: You are the perfect parent for your child.

You’re doing the best you can with the tools you have.

Be kind to yourself, and let go of the blame.

4. My Inner Safety Is His Ultimate Safety

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that my inner calm directly impacts my son’s sense of safety.

When I’m anxious, stressed, or frustrated, my son can feel it.

His world is already full of overwhelming sensory experiences, so if I’m not calm, it only adds to his overwhelm.

But when I’m grounded, patient, and calm, he feels safer.

His meltdowns became less frequent, and our connection grew stronger when I focused on staying calm—even when things felt out of control.

Limiting Belief: You might be thinking, “If I stay calm, won’t my child use their diagnosis as a crutch to excuse bad behavior?”

This is a common fear, but here’s the truth: Understanding your child’s needs doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior.

It means creating an environment where they feel safe enough to express their emotions, learn self-regulation, and grow.

When your child feels understood and safe, they don’t need to act out. They don’t use their diagnosis as an excuse. Instead, they learn how to navigate their emotions and behavior in a healthy way.

Tip for You:
Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, pause. Focus on calming yourself first.

When you are grounded, your child will feel that safety, and their behavior will start to shift too.