Epi #140. The 3 Elements of Effective Boundaries Without Yelling
Nov 26, 2024
Do you ever wonder how to set boundaries with your child without raising your voice?
You're not alone.
Many parents feel stuck between wanting to guide their children and not wanting to yell.
But there is a way to set rules and keep peace at home.
Today, I'm going to share with you the three elements of effective boundaries without yelling.
This is the place where you'll find the answers you've been looking for.
1. Provide a Range of Freedom
When I was a child, I remember hearing "no" all the time.
"Don't do this."
"Stop that."
"Get down from there."
It felt like I couldn't do anything right.
I grew up feeling out of control.
Maybe you've felt the same way.
As parents, we sometimes forget that our kids need freedom to explore and learn.
If all they hear is "no," they might feel trapped.
Instead of just telling your child what they can't do, offer them choices.
Give them a range of freedom within clear limits.
For example:
- Limit: "We don't write on the walls."
- Range of Freedom: "You can draw on paper, color in your coloring book, or use chalk on the sidewalk. Which would you like to choose?"
By offering options, you're guiding them without shutting them down.
They feel in control, and you're still setting the boundaries.
Children who feel they have choices are more likely to cooperate.
They don't feel the need to rebel because they have some control.
It also helps them learn decision-making skills.
How to Apply This in Everyday Life
Next time you need to set a boundary, think about how you can offer choices.
- At mealtime: "Would you like carrots or peas with your dinner?"
- At bedtime: "Do you want to read a story or sing a song before bed?"
- During playtime: "Do you want to play outside or do a puzzle inside?"
Remember, the key is to provide options that you're comfortable with.
2. Show How the Family System Works
Understanding Everyone's Needs
In a family, everyone has needs.
Parents have needs, and so do children.
It's important to show how your family works together to meet those needs.
My father needed a lot of quiet time because he's autistic.
He wanted the house to be silent all day.
As kids, my brother and I wanted to play and be loud sometimes.
It was hard because our needs didn't match.
Instead of making rules that only serve one person, create boundaries that consider everyone.
For example:
- Quiet Time: "After lunch, we'll have quiet time so everyone can rest. Before lunch, we can play and be loud."
- Sharing Spaces: "You can play with your toys in the living room. If someone is reading there, let's find another place to play."
When children understand that rules help everyone, they're more likely to follow them.
They see that their needs matter, and so do others'.
It teaches them empathy and cooperation.
Explain the reasons behind the rules.
- "We put our shoes by the door so we don't track mud into the house. That keeps our home clean for everyone."
- "We turn off the TV during dinner so we can talk to each other."
- "We share our toys so everyone gets a chance to play."
Make sure to listen to your child's ideas too.
They might have great suggestions for how to make things work better.
3. Honor Family Values, Not Fears
Understanding the Difference
Sometimes, we set rules based on our fears.
But fear-based boundaries can lead to stress and conflict.
Instead, focus on your family's values.
I once worked with a mom who insisted her kids finish everything on their plate.
She feared that if they didn't, they wouldn't be healthy.
Mealtimes became a battle.
Her kids felt pressured, and she felt frustrated.
We talked about her true goal: she wanted her kids to make healthy food choices.
We decided to focus on that value.
She started offering healthy foods and let her kids decide when they were full.
Mealtimes became peaceful.
Her kids began trying new foods because they didn't feel forced.
When rules reflect your family's values, they make more sense to everyone.
Children understand the "why" behind the rules.
They feel respected and are more willing to cooperate.
How to Apply This in Everyday Life
Think about the values you want to teach your children.
- Health: "We brush our teeth before bed to keep them strong and healthy."
- Kindness: "We speak kindly to each other because we care about each other's feelings."
- Responsibility: "We clean up our toys so they don't get lost or broken."
Avoid making rules based on fears.
Instead, focus on what you want to teach and how it benefits your family.
Limiting Beliefs and How to Overcome Them
Limiting Belief #1: "If I give my child choices, they'll walk all over me."
Offering choices within boundaries doesn't mean you're giving up control.
You're guiding your child and helping them learn to make good decisions.
Limiting Belief #2: "My needs as a parent aren't important."
Your needs matter too.
By balancing everyone's needs, you create a happier home.
It's okay to set boundaries that support your well-being.
Success Story: Roberto's Transformation
Let me tell you about Roberto.
He believed that spanking was the only way to get his daughter to listen.
He wanted her to respect him.
But after spanking her twice, he realized it wasn't working.
She was becoming afraid of him.
Roberto wanted a better relationship with his daughter.
He decided to make a change.
He joined our program and learned how to set boundaries with understanding.
He said:
"I feel more confident. I feel less guilt. Remembering the steps is very helpful. I feel empowered and more excited."
Now, Roberto communicates with his daughter without yelling or spanking.
Their relationship is stronger.
He's happier, and so is she.
Putting It All Together
- Provide a Range of Freedom
- Offer choices within clear limits.
- Show How the Family System Works
- Create rules that consider everyone's needs.
- Honor Family Values, Not Fears
- Set boundaries based on what you want to teach, not what you're afraid of.
By using these elements, you create a positive environment.
Your child feels respected and understood.
You feel more in control and less stressed.
It's a win-win for everyone.
Take the Next Step: Join Our Free Class
If you're ready to transform your parenting, I invite you to join my Free Class.
In this class, you will:
β Overcome Angry Reactions
Learn our signature Parenting With Understanding system to have calm responses during your children's chaos.
β Communicate Assertively
Gain an understanding of what you need to communicate so your children listen to you even when you give them a "no."
β Raise Emotionally Healthy Children
Know what is needed to raise kids who can face the real world with confidence and self-accountability.
Imagine feeling confident in your parenting.
Imagine your home filled with peace and understanding.
You and your child deserve that.
π Click here to sign up for the Free Class
Let's take this journey together.
Parenting doesn't have to be a constant struggle.
By setting effective boundaries without yelling, you can build a stronger relationship with your child.
Remember, it's about understanding, communication, and love.
You're not alone on this journey.
I'm here to support you every step of the way.
Join Our Community
If you found this article helpful, please share it with other parents.
Let's spread the word and help more families find peace and happiness.
Thank you for reading.
Remember, it only takes understanding yourself and your child's needs to transform your parenting.
You can do this.
I'm here to help.
