Epi #145. Do These to Avoid Meltdowns on Christmas Day

Have you ever wished you could end the day without feeling guilty about how you handled your child’s big emotions?

Maybe you read parenting tips on social media, or you talk to friends who seem so calm.
But you still catch yourself yelling or feeling frustrated.

You are not alone.

I used to dream of peaceful days with my kids, but in reality, I found myself stuck in the same angry cycles.
I wanted to be the parent who stayed calm, yet I didn’t know how to actually change.

Then I discovered a simple process that helped me and thousands of other parents become the secure, loving parents we always wanted to be.

This process is called the SELF Process.

It has 4 steps: S, E, L, and F.

In this blog post, we’ll dive deep into each step, so you can start 2025 with a clear path to calmer parenting and happier children.

1. Why a Roadmap Matters

Parenting can feel like being dropped in a maze without a map.
We try new ideas, watch videos, or read books, hoping something sticks.
Sometimes it helps for a day or two, but then we slip back into old habits.

A roadmap gives us a big-picture view.
It’s like having a compass in the parenting maze.
Instead of random tips that fade quickly, you’ll have a solid structure to guide you day by day.

I remember a few years ago, I read a blog about gentle parenting.
I tried to stay calm, but one night my twin children (one of them is autistic) had endless bedtime battles.
I lost my temper and yelled.
I felt horrible.
I realized I needed more than just “try to be calm”—I needed a system.

That’s when I found the SELF Process.

Now, I want to share it with you, so you don’t waste time feeling guilty or unsure.
If you follow these steps, you can see real change in the coming year, for you and your kids.

2. What Is the SELF Process?

The SELF Process has 4 steps:

• S = Secure Parent
• E = Equipped in Your Child’s Needs
• L = Loving Responses
• F = Fun Parent

Think of these steps like a path you follow.
They build on each other.
When you reach the end, you’ll have a calmer home, stronger relationships, and a new sense of confidence in yourself.

Quick Preview

• Secure parents don’t never get mad—they just know how to handle mad feelings safely.
• Equipped parents know the needs behind their child’s behavior.
• Loving Responses means kind but firm discipline that teaches, not punishes.
• Fun parents bring joy into daily life, so kids feel connected and safe.

Let’s explore each step in detail.

3. Step S: Become a Secure Parent

What is a Secure Parent?
A secure parent is not calm 24/7.
A secure parent is someone who feels safe in their own emotions, especially the hard ones like anger or frustration.

Many of us grew up with harsh reactions around us.
We saw yelling, hitting, or cold silence.
So we don’t know how to handle anger in a healthy way.
We either explode or we bury it until we snap.

You can be angry but still act in a safe manner.
You can say, “I’m upset, I need a moment,” instead of screaming.
You can pause, breathe, and decide how to respond calmly.

Example
One of my coaching clients, Marcus, used to dread bedtime.
He spent 2 hours every night trying to get his daughter to sleep.
Most nights ended with him yelling at her, which made her more upset.
Nobody slept well.
He felt guilty and she felt scared.

After learning to be secure in his own frustration, Marcus changed his approach.
He still felt annoyed when bedtime dragged on, but he no longer exploded.
He calmly restated the bedtime steps and offered gentle hugs if she was anxious.
His daughter felt safer.
She stopped fighting bedtime so much.
Now, bedtime rarely goes beyond 30 minutes.

How to Start

• When you feel anger rising, acknowledge it.
  “I’m really upset right now.”
• Pause for a couple of deep breaths or count to five.
• Remind yourself you are safe, and your child is safe.
• Then speak or act with calm determination, not anger.

Mastering this might take time, especially if you have years of built-up tension.
But each small win grows your confidence.

4. Step E: Be Equipped in Your Child’s Needs

Children’s actions often signal deeper needs.
When a child hits, whines, or yells, there’s usually a reason.
They might feel tired, hungry, scared, overwhelmed, or in need of connection.

If you address only the surface behavior—like saying “stop whining!”—you might miss the root need.
This leads to repeating the same conflicts over and over.

Identify the Need
Ask yourself: “What might my child really need right now?”

• Are they hungry or overstimulated?
• Do they crave one-on-one attention?
• Is something scaring them?

My autistic son often got upset at bedtime.
I realized bright lights and screen time too close to bed were overwhelming for him.
He needed a dimmer environment and fewer visual distractions to feel calm.
By meeting that need—low lights and no screens an hour before bed—he settled much easier.

Try This

• Keep a small notebook.
• Write the time and what happened when your child acts out.
• Note possible triggers (too loud, too bright, new routine).
• Once you see a pattern, adjust the environment or timing to meet your child’s need.

When you equip yourself with this knowledge, you solve problems from the root, not just the surface.

5. Step L: Use Loving Responses for Discipline

Loving discipline sets boundaries without hurting a child’s spirit.
Many of us were taught to punish, yell, or shame.
But loving discipline shows you care while holding firm.

When your child does something wrong—like grabbing a toy from a sibling—show you understand their desire but keep the rule.
For instance:

• Acknowledge: “You really want that toy, huh?”
• State the Rule: “But we don’t grab. We wait for our turn or ask nicely.”
• Offer a Next Step: “Let’s try asking. ‘Can I use it after you?’”

Not Weak, Just Firm and Kind
Some parents fear that if they don’t yell, they’ll be walked all over.
Actually, kids respond better to a calm tone.
They feel safer and less defensive.
They see that you mean business but you’re not attacking them.
Over time, this builds respect and trust.

Example
A parent I coached had a 4-year-old who constantly pushed his little sister.
He felt guilty about spanking but saw no other option.
I showed him how to say:
“I see you’re upset she’s touching your toys. We don’t push. We use words.”
He then guided his son to say, “Sister, please don’t touch my toy,” and offered an alternate toy or an activity for sister.
Over weeks, the pushing went way down, replaced by more words and fewer tears.

6. Step F: Become a Fun Parent

Being a fun parent isn’t about throwing giant parties or buying expensive gadgets.
It’s about weaving small bits of joy into everyday tasks.

Kids connect better when they see you as approachable and kind, not just the “serious adult.”
Little playful moments break tension and help them see you as an ally.

Ideas

• Use a silly voice during teeth brushing.
• Make up a short dance when picking up toys.
• Give a funny countdown before bedtime.
• Read a book together in a cozy spot with silly sound effects.

Example
I tried this with my twins during morning routines, which used to be stressful.
I pretended to be a “morning radio announcer,” saying, “Good morning, folks! Step right up to the breakfast table!” in a silly voice.
They giggled, and we got through breakfast without whining or fights.
Just a tiny sprinkle of fun changed the mood.

7. Putting It All Together

The SELF Process (Secure, Equipped, Loving, Fun) is a balanced recipe.

• Secure sets the emotional tone.
• Equipped solves the real needs.
• Loving discipline guides your child.
• Fun keeps the connection strong.

When you follow these steps together, you create a calm, supportive atmosphere.
You’ll see fewer power struggles and more cooperation.

Parents who use this roadmap say bedtime battles shrink, morning routines get smoother, and they end the day feeling proud instead of guilty.
Kids also show better listening and happier moods because they trust the parent’s guidance.

My Personal Take
Raising an autistic child and a twin sibling was no walk in the park for me.
I tried random tips at first, but it wasn’t until I used SELF consistently that real change stuck.
Now, I watch my children solve problems calmly, and we share more laughs than tears.

8. Call to Action: Get Your Free Class

If you’re excited about these steps but still wonder, “How do I actually do this in my busy life?” I have something for you.

I’m offering a Free Class where you’ll learn our signature Parenting With Understanding system.
It gives you the tools to put the SELF Process into action every single day, not just once in a while.

In This Free Class, You Will:

✅ Overcome Angry Reactions
You’ll learn how to stay calm during chaos.
No more snapping or feeling guilty.

✅ Communicate Assertively
Find out how to speak so your child listens, even when you say “no.”
This reduces whining, shouting, and ignoring.

✅ Raise Emotionally Healthy Children
Know exactly what is needed so your kids grow up confident and ready for the real world.

Imagine
Picture the next time your child tests your patience.
Instead of yelling, you stay calm, identify the need, respond lovingly, and even sprinkle in some fun.
They listen, you both smile, and the day moves on peacefully.
It’s possible and so within reach.

👉 Click here to sign up for the Free Class

9. A New Year, A New You

As 2025 approaches, you don’t have to keep feeling stuck or worried.
The SELF Roadmap can guide you to the parent you’ve always wanted to be.

One Step at a Time
Each step might feel new, especially if you grew up with harsh punishments or if you have a sensitive child who melts down often.
But every time you practice, you build new habits.

This is not about perfection—nobody does it perfectly every day.
But having a plan makes all the difference.
You’ll move from random guesswork to confident parenting, and your children will feel the difference.

Starting 2025 with this roadmap can mean calmer mornings, more loving discipline, and genuine fun in your home.
You’ll see your child thrive, and you’ll also feel better—knowing you’re raising them with both kindness and strong guidance.

Remember, the SELF Process works when you commit to it step by step.
You’ve got this!

Thank you for reading!
May 2025 be your year of peaceful, joyful parenting.