Epi #150. How to Get Children to Solve Their Conflict Independently

Have you ever felt like you spend your day running around, trying to stop your kids from fighting?

I know that feeling.

One child cries because a sibling took their toy.

The other one yells, “No, it’s mine!”

And you end up dropping everything—laundry, cooking, even catching your breath—just to play referee.

But what if your children could work it out themselves?

What if they knew how to talk it through, share, and even shake hands when they disagree?

Sounds like a dream, right?

Let’s explore how to make it real.

Why It Matters

Your Peaceful Day

When kids can solve their own conflicts, you can finally do the dishes without hearing “Mom, he hit me!” every five minutes.

You get back some quiet time, and they grow stronger social skills.

A Calm Home

Imagine a day where you don’t have to break up every tiny argument.

Less yelling and more giggles.

And think about what that does for your nerves.

My Own Story

Feeling Like a Referee

I remember one afternoon when my twins were both screaming over a single red crayon.

I ran in, heart pounding, and felt my head spin.

“Why can’t they just share a crayon?” I thought.

It felt silly and frustrating.

The Switch

That day, I tried a new trick.

Instead of telling them, “Stop fighting!” I guided them to say, “I want to color, can we take turns?”

They resisted at first.

But soon, they calmed down.

They were still grumpy, but at least they weren’t screaming at each other.

That tiny win showed me they could learn to talk, not just yell.

The 3 Levels of Emotional Intelligence

Level 1: Understanding Themselves

When kids know how they feel, they can say, “I’m mad,” or “I’m sad,” instead of hitting or shouting.

• Example:
  Your child might say, “I’m upset you took my toy,” instead of throwing a punch.

Level 2: Understanding Others

This is when they realize their sibling has feelings, too.

• Example:
  “I see you want a turn. I’m still using it, but I’ll give it soon.”

Level 3: Finding Common Ground

This is the hardest skill, even for grown-ups!

They figure out a plan so both are happy.

• Example:
  “How about we each color with red for five minutes, then swap?” 

How to Teach Them

Model It First

Kids watch you.

If they see you calmly solve an argument with your partner—like who cooks dinner tonight—they’ll learn it’s normal to talk and not yell.

When you say, “Hey, I’m tired tonight. Could we switch chores?” you’re showing them how to speak up for needs without fighting.

Use Feeling Words Daily

Don’t wait for a meltdown to discuss emotions.

Point out feelings everywhere.

• “I see you’re smiling while building that tower. Are you feeling proud?”
• “Your brother looks frustrated. Maybe he can’t fit that puzzle piece.”

When big fights happen, kids who practice feeling words can say, “I’m annoyed,” instead of swinging fists.

Model Wording During Conflict

If they’re already in a fight, try giving them sentences to use.

• “You can say, ‘I want my toy back, please,’ instead of grabbing it.”
• Encourage them to repeat if they’re calm enough.

Sometimes they won’t repeat right away, but they’ll remember next time.

Handling Conflicts of Needs

Use a House Rule or Create One

If you have a family rule—like “Ask before using someone’s stuff”—remind them calmly.

But if you don’t have a rule yet, create one together.

• “Santi, you want to explore your brother’s new birthday gift, but he’s not finished. Let’s decide how many minutes he can play before you take a turn.”

Co-creating rules helps them feel involved and builds those level 3 skills.

Be Steady, Not Harsh

Kids are more likely to listen if they sense you’re calm and on their team.

Even if you feel annoyed inside, try a gentle tone.

No need to snap, “Stop fighting now!”

Instead, try, “I see you both want this toy. Let’s find a fair plan.”

Shifting Your Role

You’re No Longer the Referee

As your kids learn these skills, you won’t need to break up every fight.

At first, you’ll step in briefly, help them recall their words, then step back.

But over time, you might just peek in, see them talking it out, and smile.

Remember Their Age

Young kids won’t use high-level emotional skills all the time.

Even older kids slip.

Don’t expect zero fights.

Progress is about fewer fights and quicker recoveries.

Your Next Step

What If I Still Yell?

Maybe you worry you’ll lose your cool and ruin the lesson.

Or you feel you’ve tried gentle methods, but your own anger pops out.

That’s normal, and you’re not alone.

That’s why I have a Free Class for you.

It teaches my Parenting With Understanding System to help you:

• Overcome Angry Reactions so you respond calmly during chaos.
• Communicate Assertively so your kids listen even if you say “no.”
• Raise Emotionally Healthy Children who can face real life with confidence and empathy.

I encourage you to click here and sign up for our free class.

Learn how to handle tough moments without yelling, and raise kids who handle their own arguments, leaving you more time (and peace) for yourself.

Let’s work together to break out of old patterns and build a happier family routine.

Imagine a future where your kids actually figure out their disputes while you keep folding laundry—no need to run in like a frantic referee.

That can be your reality.

Click here  to access the free class

Teaching children to solve conflicts on their own is a gift that helps them at home, at school, and later in life.

They learn to speak up, listen, and compromise.

You learn to breathe easier, knowing you’re raising people who can work together, not just clash.

Remember, it all starts with small steps: naming feelings, giving them phrases, and letting them practice—even when they’re little grumpy balls of energy.

You’ve got this, and I’m here cheering you on every step of the way.