Epi #160. Your Child's Behaviors isn't the Problem. This is How to Fix it!
Apr 15, 2025
You might be wondering...
“Why does my child keep misbehaving when I’ve told them over and over again?”
It can feel exhausting when your child hits, yells, lies, or doesn’t follow the rules you’ve set.
But I want to tell you something important:
Your child’s behavior is not the problem.
And your child is not a “bad kid.”
There’s something deeper going on—and when we learn what it is, we can finally help them grow.
This blog is going to show you what’s really going on underneath the behaviors... and what you can do about it.
- Every Behavior Has a Meaning
Let me start with a story.
One day, my aunt called me. She was so upset with her teenage daughter.
“She knows the rules, Marcela! No eating in the bedroom! But when I walked in, she had a friend over, and they were both eating chips in her room! She didn’t just break the rule—she let her friend break it too!”
She was hurt. She felt disrespected.
But when I gently asked her daughter what happened, I learned something else.
She had just switched schools and was struggling to make friends. This new girl was the first person to talk to her. She was scared that correcting her friend might push her away.
Her behavior wasn't about disrespect.
It was about belonging.
And that changes everything.
- Your Child Is Trying to Communicate
All behavior is communication.
When your child yells, hits, lies, or ignores your rules…
They’re not trying to ruin your day.
They’re trying to tell you something.
➡️ “I feel scared.”
➡️ “I feel left out.”
➡️ “I’m overwhelmed.”
➡️ “I don’t know what to do.”
But because they don’t always have the words, they show it in other ways.
- What We Think It Means… Is Often Wrong
We’re human.
So sometimes, we take our kids’ behavior personally.
We might think:
➡️ “They don’t respect me.”
➡️ “They’re doing this to make me mad.”
➡️ “They’re just being bad.”
But those thoughts don’t help us understand what our child is feeling.
And when we don’t understand them, we tend to react with punishment, yelling, or shame…
Which just adds more pain—for both us and them.
- What If the Real Problem Is Miscommunication?
At HIC Parenting, I’ve coached over 14,000 parents.
And most of them come to us thinking something is “wrong” with their child—or themselves.
But what’s really happening is a breakdown in understanding.
When we don’t understand what’s underneath the behavior, we react.
When we react, our kids feel misunderstood and unsafe.
And the behavior doesn’t go away.
So the real problem?
It’s not the behavior.
It’s not seeing the need behind it.
- Let’s Talk About What Kids Really Need
Your child isn’t giving you a hard time.
They’re having a hard time.
Maybe they’re struggling with anxiety, peer pressure, hunger, sensory overload, or emotional pain from earlier in the day.
They don’t always show it with tears.
Sometimes they show it with attitude.
Or by breaking a rule.
Or by clinging to you.
But in all of it, they’re just saying, “Please help me.”
- The Problem Isn’t Always the Child’s Behavior… Sometimes It’s Ours
This is hard to hear, but it’s true for many of us.
We might be calm on the outside…
But if we respond to a child’s conflict by taking something away without helping them solve the problem—
They learn to do the same.
If we ignore their feelings and focus only on the rules—
They learn that emotions don’t matter.
That’s why what we model is so important.
They don’t just learn from what we say…
They learn from how we show up.
- Your Child Learns How to Treat Others by How You Treat Them
When we take time to understand...
When we stay calm...
When we guide instead of punish...
They learn how to treat their siblings.
They learn how to talk to their friends.
They learn how to be in the world.
We aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect either.
But I’ve learned that when I slow down and see the need behind the behavior, everything changes.
- So, What Can You Do Starting Today?
Here’s what I tell my coaching clients:
Start with curiosity, not control.
When your child breaks a rule, instead of asking, “Why are you doing this to me?”
Ask, “What do they need right now?”
Start noticing patterns. Are they melting down after school? Before bed? In the car?
That’s a clue.
Once you understand their patterns, you can plan ahead.
And instead of reacting… you can respond.
- Want to Become the Parent Your Kids Feel Safe With?
If you’re tired of yelling…
If you feel like your reactions aren’t working…
If you want to build a loving relationship with your kids while still teaching them right from wrong…
Then I have something for you.
It’s a free class where I teach our Parenting With Understanding System of Needs.
Thousands of parents have taken this class—and many say it changed their family life.
✅ You will learn how to stop reacting with anger and stay calm in chaos.
✅ You will learn how to speak so your kids listen—even when you say “no.”
✅ You will learn how to raise emotionally healthy kids who trust you and respect you.
✨ Sign up for the free class ✨
This class is free. It’s simple. And it’s a step toward peace.
You’re Not Alone
If you feel like you’re failing—please know, you’re not.
You're doing your best.
And the fact that you’re reading this right now?
That already makes you the kind of parent your child needs.
You just need support, a plan, and some understanding.
And I’m here to help.
Go take the free class. It’s where real change begins.
With you. 💛
With love,
Marcela Collier
HIC Parenting
P.S. If this blog helped you, please share it with another parent who needs it. Together, we can change the world—one family at a time.
