Epi #101. Mastering Cooperation: A Guide to Getting Your Children to Listen
Feb 27, 2024
Introduction:
Ever feel like your requests to your children fall on deaf ears?
It's a common frustration among parents, but what if the issue isn't that they won't listen, but rather, they can't listen in that moment?
In today’s episode, we delve into peaceful strategies for understanding and overcoming the three main reasons children struggle to listen. It’s not about punishment or raising your voice; it’s about fostering connection and understanding.
Section 1: Rethinking "My children won't listen"
The belief that "my children won't listen" stems from a deep-seated idea that disobedience is a deliberate choice.
This mindset, however, only serves to blame the child, rooted in outdated notions from our own upbringing.
The first step toward cooperation is adjusting our mindset to see our children's actions as communication of needs rather than defiance.
Let’s explore the genuine reasons behind their inability to listen and how we can address them to foster peace and understanding.
Understanding Disconnection:
Consider the story of my husband’s attempt at bath time after being away all day.
His direct jump into a routine without reconnecting led to resistance, especially from Miguel, who was craving quality time.
Recognizing Miguel's need for connection transformed a potential power struggle into a peaceful evening.
Connection, not consequences, bridges the gap between instruction and cooperation.
Remember, connection feeds cooperation, not misbehavior.
At HIC Parenting, we specialize in helping you go from frustration to peace in your parenting through the application of our Parenting With Understanding Method
Join us for a free, transformative class on March 5th at 5:30 PM PST where you are going to:
-Gain the skills to correct any behavior from any child without losing connection
-Feel at peace in your parenting and raise emotionally healthy children.
Section 2: The Role of Expectations:
Unrealistic expectations often lead to frustration for both parent and child.
Have you ever found yourself puzzled by your child's reluctance to share despite repeated instructions?
You're not alone.
Many parents face this dilemma, not realizing that the root of the issue often lies in developmental readiness, not willfulness.
Understanding Developmental Milestones:
During a recent parenting assessment call, a mom expressed frustration over her 2-year-old's refusal to share with her younger sibling.
This scenario is common and underscores a crucial point: toddlers, especially those under three, typically struggle with the concept of sharing.
It's not defiance but a developmental phase.
Their brains aren't equipped yet to understand and act on the concept of sharing.
The Importance of Realistic Expectations:
At HIC Parenting, we support our clients to understand their child's brain development to set realistic expectations so they can reduce frustration and have peaceful interactions with their children.
Recognizing that a toddler may not be ready to share can alleviate frustration for both you and your child.
This knowledge empowers parents to approach situations with empathy, adjusting their expectations to align with their child's developmental stage.
Reflection and Action:
Ask yourself: Are my expectations for my child's behavior realistic or based on their developmental capabilities?
If you're unsure or seeking guidance on fostering a peaceful home environment that respects each child's growth phase, we're here to help.
Section 3: Addressing Dysregulation:
In a moment I'll never forget, I witnessed a scene in my gym's cafeteria that perfectly illustrates how dysregulation affects children's ability to listen.
A mother, with her twin boys around five years old, struggled to calm their restlessness. Despite her efforts, her raised voice only heightened their agitation, leading to an even more chaotic scene.
This incident underscores a critical lesson I emphasize with my clients: a child's state of dysregulation - be it from restlessness, anxiety, or sheer excitement - significantly impairs their ability to process instructions.
When children are in this heightened state, their brain prioritizes survival responses over listening or reasoning.
The key takeaway?
When you notice your child's behavior spiraling, it's a signal that their nervous system is overwhelmed.
Instead of doubling down on commands, it's time to pause and connect.
Helping them to return to a calmer state through co-regulation strategies isn't just about quelling the immediate storm.
It's about teaching them how to navigate their emotions and responses—a skill that benefits both listening and overall emotional development.
So, next time you find your child too wound up to listen, remember, it's not defiance you're witnessing but dysregulation.
By shifting focus from discipline to connection, you pave the way for more effective communication and a deeper understanding of your child's needs.
Conclusion:
Next time you find yourself thinking, "My children won’t listen," pause and consider, "Can they listen right now?"
Reflect on whether they feel disconnected, if your expectations are realistic, or if they are dysregulated.
Addressing these underlying needs can open the door to cooperation and deeper understanding.
Dive deeper into this topic and more on our latest episode of the Parenting With Understanding ™️ Podcast.
Go from Frustration to peace and cooperation in our free class.
