Epi #99. 5 Love Languages™️ to Improve Your Parenting

5 Love Languages™️ to Improve Your Parenting

Introduction:

As we approach Valentine's Day, a day dedicated to celebrating love, it's the perfect opportunity to delve into the concept of love languages™️ in parenting. 

Have you ever wondered about your child's love language™️? 

In this episode of The Parenting With Understanding™️ Podcast, we will uncover the primary love language™️ of your child, explore ways to deepen your bond, manage tantrums effectively, understand discipline through the lens of love languages™️, and debunk common myths.

 Understanding Your Child's Love Language™️:

Love languages™️ are unique ways we express and receive love. Gary Chapman, author of "The 5 Love Languages™️," identifies five types: Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service. 

Recognizing your child’s love language™️ can be transformative, allowing you to meet their emotional needs more effectively.

For instance, my journey involved learning that my twins have different love languages™️ from me. My love for quality time wasn't necessarily filling their emotional tanks. 

I had to learn to speak my twins' love language™️ because they are different from mine. 

My primary love language™️ is quality time, just hanging out, doing things with my children, like baking together or going on a bike ride.

 Santi's love languange™️is physical touch, so he feels the most loved when I hug him, cuddle him, squeeze him. 

If I don't speak his love language™️, he doesn't feel loved the same way, even If I am speaking my love language™️ which is quality time. 

When my son’s love bucket is running low, then I see behaviors like trying to get on my lap when I am in Zoom meetings or whining at bedtime, begging for me to cuddle him for a long time. 

Why do I have to be very intentional about speaking my twins' love language™️?

It doesn't come natural for me, I don't gravitate towards hugs, kisses and cuddles, it is like learning to speak a foreign language, you have to be intentional or you won't do it.

If you are thinking, I wonder what my child's love language™️ is. The easiest way is to ask them, "How do you know mommy or daddy loves you?" and they will tell you if they are old enough or have the language skills. 

If they don't have the capacity or language skills, then observe their behaviors because they will demand it. 

My son's cries for me to stay for a long time rubbing his back at bedtime is the communication of his love language™️ of physical touch. 

If your child asks you constantly to help them with things they are very capable of doing on their own, like putting their shoes on, then their love language™️ might be acts of service. 

If your child talks constantly about the presents they want for their birthday, or if they are sometimes demanding of you getting them things, then they might have the love language™️ of gifts. 

If your child shows off a lot of their skills or asks you for constant approval, they might need words of affirmation. 

The thing they demand the most is their love language™️. According to Gary Chapman, little kids are just developing their character and they might bounce from one prefered love language™️ to the other, so you might need to keep observing their behavior and meet that need.

Speaking Their Language:

Understanding and speaking your child's love language™️ can significantly enhance your connection. It's essential to treat each child's love language™️ with respect and intentionality, even if it doesn't come naturally to you. 

It is easy to speak our children's love language™️ when we share the same love language. 

If you have multiple children, be careful, because we tend to gravitate more towards the child that we identify with when it comes to this, and we might feel annoyed by how the other ones are demanding their love language™️. 

For example, Miguel's (my 7-year-old) love language™️ is quality time, and I love my time with him because I feel we flow with the things we do, whereas with Santi, things are a little bit more challenging because if I am trying to play a board game with him or do something, he might end up in my personal space a lot and having autism myself, that feels to me a little too much. 

I have to make a conscious effort to not fall into favoritism and give both of my children the love they need. 

Speaking our children's love language™️ is simple everyday gestures. Words of affirmation: leave a love note in your child's lunchbox. Quality time: Go for a walk around the block. Gifts: Surprise them with a new pin for their shirt or their favorite cupcake. Acts of service: clean their toy box together.

Utilizing Love Languages™️ to Ease Tantrums:

Tantrums can often be mitigated by effectively using your child's love language™️. 

Have you offered your child a hug when upset, and they reject you? 

That might happen if their love language™️ is not physical touch. 

Do you tell them, "I love you," and they don't like it? 

Their love language™️ might not be words of affirmation. 

Children calm down from tantrums faster when we speak their love language™️. 

If your child is not a hugger, don't offer hugs. My son's love language™️ is quality time, so just my presence and emotional availability are enough for him to calm down. 

See how you can speak your child's love language™️ at that time; it will go a long way. 

If your child's love language️ is a gift, they might like you to put together a calm-down basket. 

If their love language™️ is acts of service, they might calm down if you do something nice for them, like a little foot massage if they let you. 

Discipline Through Love Languages™️:

Discipline that contradicts a child's love language™️ can be particularly harmful, affecting their self-esteem and your relationship. 

Imagine a child who connects love with physical touch and gets spanked. 

A child that connects words of affirmation with love and gets yelled at. 

A child who connects gifts with love and doesn’t get Christmas presents. 

A child who connects quality time with love and gets grounded by canceling that fun outing with you.

These punishments directly related to the child's love language️ not only damage their self-esteem and sense of being loved but also hurt their connection with their child. 

If you are thinking right now, this makes sense, but they won't listen unless I yell, or I want to stop yelling and being so reactive but don't know how. 

Addressing Common Misconceptions:

Gifts: “This love language™️ creates spoiled brats.”

This belief comes from a poverty mentality. If you grew up with not much, you couldn't ask for much, then now that your child is asking, that seems demanding and spoiled. 

Gifts could be as simple as a little flower or a little drawing. 

Quality time.: “ My child is clingy and too demanding.” 

Those are labels that antagonize the love language™️ of quality time because children usually ask quality time with disruptive behaviors like talking over you when you are on the phone. 

Acts of service: “If I serve my child, then they won't be independent.”

Independence is the capacity to meet my own needs. 

My husband's love language™️ is acts of service. He is an independent man who can take care of his needs, but he loves when I cook him a delicious meal or when I fold his clothes. 

Our children are the same way. 

They feel independent when they know they can do it, even if we serve them sometimes folding their clothes or putting their shoes on. 

Words of affirmation: “My child is a show-off.” 

This belief comes from a childhood wound that started when we were told, “Children are to be seen, not to be heard.” Then we see our children using their voices, and this limiting belief comes to the surface. 

Physical touch: “My child is too much.” 

This belief is a childhood wound that was formed when you needed comfort and hugs and you were met with isolation and punishment, so you form that belief that you are too much when you need physical affection.

If you grew up with that wound, you might feel suffocated when your child tries to ask for physical affection. 

Conclusion:

Recognizing and embracing your child's love language™️ is a powerful tool for building a strong, loving relationship. 

As we explore these concepts further in our podcast, we invite you to reflect on how love languages™️ can transform your parenting approach, bringing you closer to raising emotionally healthy children. 

Tune in to this week's episode for more insights and stories on the impact of love languages™️ in parenting.